Shug0tenshi (shug0tenshi) wrote,

It's Been A While.

I am aware that a very limited two or three people will read this entry, yet I feel an obligation to the friends that brought me into Livejournal to post. I haven’t been very active with you guys for a while now. Mostly since college started. Certainly I still speak with Nick, David, and occasionally Jared on AIM, but that is the majority of my connection with what we know as the Alliance. I hate that I’ve grown distant from you; this group was my closest circle of friends through high school and I owe you more respect and attention that I’ve given you in the past year and a half. For that, I apologize. I just want to post here to let you know how and what I’ve been doing during the time that I have mostly been ignoring you. (It is also for myself that I write this. I have somewhat of a load on my chest that I need removed.)

My WoW addiction all freshman year of college caused me to miss a lot. I use that over-abundant two-letter phrase purposefully to underscore the vast quantity of life I find that I was left out on because of my self-inflicted illness. Consider it like gazing upon the Grand Canyon: the other side is so far away that clarity is lost in the haze making the experience entirely underwhelming until you realize just what you’re looking at. That game sucked too much out of me, and I blame it for all of my losses last year, with you and with the other friends I’ve made. I will be playing the Warhammer MMO when it is released, but I will not pour the same epic hours into it that I did WoW. I am truly glad that I decided to give that up fairly early last semester.

Since then my eyes have opened to so much around me. I have a great bunch of people around me now that I have fun hanging with. Sure, they aren’t necessarily compatible with you, that’s why I try to keep the groups separated and hence my absence. Really though, my absence is mostly because I feel that I have a decent chance of finding a girl friend if I continue with these people here. It’s so very awkward for me to say, but I’ve found myself incredibly lonely since giving up WoW. Obviously, I mean in the female relations department, I’ve always got people that I can fall back on if I feel I simply need human contact. While I was absorbed into Blizzard’s wonderfully addictive MMO I kept telling myself, and other people that I had no time for women, and I was right. I would have been the guy giving up time with his girl to slay a virtual dragon. I don’t want to be that.

Now that I’ve released myself from the clutches of that obsession its time I actually start enjoying and building a life. Which isn’t to say I’m looking for a girl to settle down with, just someone to spend a few months with and experience a real relationship. The thought of it brings me an incredible joy deep in my proverbial soul. I’m not ashamed to say that I don’t really even fantasize about sex, granted its not far from my thoughts. I just find myself wishing to feel the warmth of a female human being pressed against my chest. I even find myself wishing to know what its like to go through hard times with a woman. I have this burning desire to love, be loved, and lose right now.

My problem is that after breaking my addiction I’ve stepped into a world where there are three eligible women standing before me, none of them willing to accept my embrace. What would a guy do in such a world? Believe me it’s the worst feeling I’ve had to stand here and only have three girls to approach, knowing full well that all three of them would reject me in a heartbeat—and worse yet, they’d back away from me quickly trapping me in a world with no women. I need an out, an escape, a repopulating of the females in my world and fast.

To be honest, my options as a Computer Engineering/Computer Science major are a bit…lacking. None of the clubs, internships, jobs, paths I should be exploring have much in the way of girls, let alone girls that I would find both interesting and good looking (I’m young and I think you’ll agree with me that we all need someone beautiful in our lives). There’s this terribly obese and manly woman that I have, and have had in several classes that I always think about when I consider I might find a woman in a class of mine. I have to shudder and throw-up a little in my mouth every time I consider that, even if I know I should be less shallow than that. What I have left are paths that I shouldn’t have time for. These I shall take.

Recently the group of friends I have on campus decided to go to a swing dancing lesson put on by the swing dancing club. I didn’t go the first time because I wasn’t informed of it, and I only went the second time because the two guys that went said they had fun with it. While I was there it really hit me that dancing would be a great way to meet women. More than that, I had fun dancing too. Of course, I played my shy role the first time at the dance and couldn’t ask anyone other than the two women I already knew to dance with me. I probably would have forced myself into asking other girls bear with my awkward and out-of-rhythm movements if I hadn’t felt overwhelmed by the grace and control of the other guys there. However, the second time was more natural for me, and I quickly started approaching women I’d never seen before to ask them to dance. They would say, “yes” or, “sure” or, “ok.”

Those words met my ears with a sort of resonance that lifted my spirits for the rest of the night. In fact, there was a girl there I really should have spent more time pushing myself towards. The simple pleasure of hearing so many women say, “yes” to me blinded me from actually helping myself. I’m kicking myself because of it now, but not too hard. After about five months of nothing but loneliness I feel somewhat relieved that there even was an opportunity to miss. Even if that opportunity would have said, “no” when I finally asked her out to lunch, or coffee, or dinner, or whatever word stumbled out of my mouth at the time.

I signed up for the swing dancing club and I’m eagerly awaiting the email that’s supposed to tell me when the club will be meeting for the first time this semester. I’m hoping that I’ll see her again, or maybe I’ll meet someone else. In any case, my quest for this year is to finally have someone to hold at some point.

(I also signed up for the Shorin Ryu Club—martial arts. I’ve always wanted to learn martial arts.)
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