I really don't like posting to Livejournal anymore. Yet it still is the most effective way to communicate to everyone all at once.
be an idiot
I knew it would come to something like this eventually. Last night I sat on my couch while she told me that this was something so special to her, and it meant so much to her that I was actually doing this. My eyes glossed over the faux-gold lettering, "Another Testament of Jesus Christ." She wanted me to read the her book, the one that's supposed to be written by the big man in the sky who gets capitalized pronouns when we reference him. I still refuse to do that.
I broke up with Anna three days ago, exactly five weeks after we started dating. That's a lot shorter than I wanted it to be. Still is. This post is just me telling everyone that. And sort of outlining why I did in that second paragraph. It was going to come to us trying to convert and change each other at some point, and I didn't want that. It would have just been too hard for either of us and ended in tragedy anyway. So now I'm here with the Book of Mormon after having promised to read it. I feel cheated. I had her promise to research the criticism surrounding her religion if I'm going to do this. I feel cheated on this because I doubt she's going to do more than she did, which was just to look at JosephSmithLied.com and see a rather butchered representation of good arguments by a fairly deranged former Mormon. I think that made her feel more like I needed 'help' or something. I really hate that she won't think reasonably about the critical view of her religion for a moment. This is why it couldn't work.
I'm sorry to those of you who wanted to meet her and I was too lazy to set it up. Now maybe you will and maybe you won't. I can't say, and I'm sorry for that.
I am aware that a very limited two or three people will read this entry, yet I feel an obligation to the friends that brought me into Livejournal to post. I haven’t been very active with you guys for a while now. Mostly since college started. Certainly I still speak with Nick, David, and occasionally Jared on AIM, but that is the majority of my connection with what we know as the Alliance. I hate that I’ve grown distant from you; this group was my closest circle of friends through high school and I owe you more respect and attention that I’ve given you in the past year and a half. For that, I apologize. I just want to post here to let you know how and what I’ve been doing during the time that I have mostly been ignoring you. (It is also for myself that I write this. I have somewhat of a load on my chest that I need removed.)
8 idiots :: be an idiot
My WoW addiction all freshman year of college caused me to miss a lot. I use that over-abundant two-letter phrase purposefully to underscore the vast quantity of life I find that I was left out on because of my self-inflicted illness. Consider it like gazing upon the Grand Canyon: the other side is so far away that clarity is lost in the haze making the experience entirely underwhelming until you realize just what you’re looking at. That game sucked too much out of me, and I blame it for all of my losses last year, with you and with the other friends I’ve made. I will be playing the Warhammer MMO when it is released, but I will not pour the same epic hours into it that I did WoW. I am truly glad that I decided to give that up fairly early last semester.
Since then my eyes have opened to so much around me. I have a great bunch of people around me now that I have fun hanging with. Sure, they aren’t necessarily compatible with you, that’s why I try to keep the groups separated and hence my absence. Really though, my absence is mostly because I feel that I have a decent chance of finding a girl friend if I continue with these people here. It’s so very awkward for me to say, but I’ve found myself incredibly lonely since giving up WoW. Obviously, I mean in the female relations department, I’ve always got people that I can fall back on if I feel I simply need human contact. While I was absorbed into Blizzard’s wonderfully addictive MMO I kept telling myself, and other people that I had no time for women, and I was right. I would have been the guy giving up time with his girl to slay a virtual dragon. I don’t want to be that.
Now that I’ve released myself from the clutches of that obsession its time I actually start enjoying and building a life. Which isn’t to say I’m looking for a girl to settle down with, just someone to spend a few months with and experience a real relationship. The thought of it brings me an incredible joy deep in my proverbial soul. I’m not ashamed to say that I don’t really even fantasize about sex, granted its not far from my thoughts. I just find myself wishing to feel the warmth of a female human being pressed against my chest. I even find myself wishing to know what its like to go through hard times with a woman. I have this burning desire to love, be loved, and lose right now.
My problem is that after breaking my addiction I’ve stepped into a world where there are three eligible women standing before me, none of them willing to accept my embrace. What would a guy do in such a world? Believe me it’s the worst feeling I’ve had to stand here and only have three girls to approach, knowing full well that all three of them would reject me in a heartbeat—and worse yet, they’d back away from me quickly trapping me in a world with no women. I need an out, an escape, a repopulating of the females in my world and fast.
To be honest, my options as a Computer Engineering/Computer Science major are a bit…lacking. None of the clubs, internships, jobs, paths I should be exploring have much in the way of girls, let alone girls that I would find both interesting and good looking (I’m young and I think you’ll agree with me that we all need someone beautiful in our lives). There’s this terribly obese and manly woman that I have, and have had in several classes that I always think about when I consider I might find a woman in a class of mine. I have to shudder and throw-up a little in my mouth every time I consider that, even if I know I should be less shallow than that. What I have left are paths that I shouldn’t have time for. These I shall take.
Recently the group of friends I have on campus decided to go to a swing dancing lesson put on by the swing dancing club. I didn’t go the first time because I wasn’t informed of it, and I only went the second time because the two guys that went said they had fun with it. While I was there it really hit me that dancing would be a great way to meet women. More than that, I had fun dancing too. Of course, I played my shy role the first time at the dance and couldn’t ask anyone other than the two women I already knew to dance with me. I probably would have forced myself into asking other girls bear with my awkward and out-of-rhythm movements if I hadn’t felt overwhelmed by the grace and control of the other guys there. However, the second time was more natural for me, and I quickly started approaching women I’d never seen before to ask them to dance. They would say, “yes” or, “sure” or, “ok.”
Those words met my ears with a sort of resonance that lifted my spirits for the rest of the night. In fact, there was a girl there I really should have spent more time pushing myself towards. The simple pleasure of hearing so many women say, “yes” to me blinded me from actually helping myself. I’m kicking myself because of it now, but not too hard. After about five months of nothing but loneliness I feel somewhat relieved that there even was an opportunity to miss. Even if that opportunity would have said, “no” when I finally asked her out to lunch, or coffee, or dinner, or whatever word stumbled out of my mouth at the time.
I signed up for the swing dancing club and I’m eagerly awaiting the email that’s supposed to tell me when the club will be meeting for the first time this semester. I’m hoping that I’ll see her again, or maybe I’ll meet someone else. In any case, my quest for this year is to finally have someone to hold at some point.
(I also signed up for the Shorin Ryu Club—martial arts. I’ve always wanted to learn martial arts.)
So I got a bunch of music from David recently. In a clandestine exchange. Secretive. --Anyway, I've just had it on shuffle for the most part since I got it, and guess whose voice just came across my headphones? Alex Walton. He sang "Jared the Crazy Cowboy." This made me look for another title of his on my playlist, "Jared Is Gay," but it was not there. Why Alex? Why?
3 idiots :: be an idiot
On a different note, I have stuff to upload (almost) but no way to host/post it really other than something like photobucket, which I am convinced is an encarnation of Lucifer. (I might have to talk to some dishwashers at Beyond Bread to find out for certain though)
It doesn't surprise me that it took me a damn long time to find out that New Orleans is underwater with people dieing left and right. Hell no, I don't watch normal news, or read it for that matter. I just don't care enough to. What really surprises me is that our government seems to have found out after I was well aware of the situation. What the fuck? The United States Government knew about something after I did? Aren't they supposed to know about everything first? Just wow, I have a hard time seeing that as the truth that it is.
be an idiot
I guess that city is totally fucked. Makes me glad I didn't decide to go to Tulane, I wouldn't have a school right now if I had decided to accept one of their eight-million letters they sent to me. The unprepared city of New Orleans would have ruined my education with one fell sweep of retardation. Really now, dirt levees? Dirt? I think we can forgive the fact that they were built several feet below sea level next to the coast--the city is several hundred years old--but they could have been better prepared for something of this nature.
Don't misunderstand me, I feel sorry for those people that weren't able to evacuate or chose not to (slightly less so for those who chose not to). If I weren't so lazy and stingy I'd do something to help, or at least think about it from time to time. I talked with Jared about this last night and I believe he and I both decided that the city itself was wholly responsible for the grave miscalculation in just how much a pile of dirt can withstand. Not to mention the close proximity of a toxic canal or river or whatever it was to the city. I guess this really proves that hindsight is twenty-twenty. In my opinion it was a pot of water waiting to boil over.
Now on to news about comic stuff.
It seems now that I've settled into life here at college I've got a lot of free time. This is good and bad for me. First off it means I'm going to get involved in stuff like watching fuck-tons of anime and playing a lot of games (once Ryuyi is up and running again). Second it means I have less of an excuse for not having As in all of my classes. Third I also have no excuse for not working on the comic, or producing some sort of art work to annoy you all with. So expect that stuff to start coming in soon when I have Ryuyi up, as well as a working ftp going on Daedal.
Also, Jared tells me the barbeque is on Monday. I assume everyone knows this, and really no one that it concerns reads my LJ, except Jared who decided this anyway. So moot point.
I fixed the problem in Daedal without any loss of data.
be an idiot
That still means that I've lost the data I had for my current project, but still, I have my friend back!
|Entry Info:||Data Loss|
An Unfortunate event follows, if you don't want to hear it just skip to the next dotted line.
1 idiot :: be an idiot
Jared lost his job, Kirk's grandmother died, and David's appartment got broken into. I was just glad shit didn't happen to me; I expressed my sympathies, and everyone knew that I was there for them if they needed me. Even if I didn't say it out loud. That's a separate sentence there because I know that I sometimes don't tell other people how I feel, even in their times of need. However, now it is time for my tragic tale to be told.
Everything I did, ever is now gone. It seems my 'unfortunate event' was to lose the 'physical' possesions that were really apart of my soul. In the same way that one's relationship with their friends forms a special part of that person's heart. All of the work I put into the comic (yes I still plan on having one) is gone. All of the homework I've ever done at a keyboard is gone. All of my art, in all forms, is now gone. Every small little program I collected for one purpose or another is now gone. A large portion of my anime collection is now gone. Any file that I ever really cared about is now gone. It wasn't because I was careless, but rather because I wasn't careful enough. Maybe I should have had more than just the one back up.
I had most of that data stored on my brand new computer, Ryuyi; however, Ryuyi's raid array just recently decided to quit life. A little while after that I returned home from my dorm to Daedal, one of my most reliable computers ever. Moments after I compressed the beige, circular button to bring the machine to life a clicking sound stopped my heart in it's tracks. Nothing had apparently happened, but closer inspection revealed that the raid that held all of my precious data had failed. A day later I am confident I can say that no manner of magical dance is going to restore life to either array. The data is gone. The closest friend I have is gone.
For all of you who don't understand why losing some files is devestating to someone like me, go find something that makes you feel complete and sheltered. It may be a collection of cds, a dog, or possibly a worn baby blanket, I really don't know. Then toss it in a river, and watch it float away, forever. And don't take the time to say good bye to it, just let it go. Then you might have an understanding of what I just had to realize an hour ago.
I'll update again when I have a working computer and time to draw/color. Classes are going to be pretty easy this semester, so that should be soon enough.
I'm having fun messing around in photoshop. This time it's with shading. I wasn't going to update for a while, but i thought the shading layer looked pretty cool on it's own.
2 idiots :: be an idiot
I'm not done yet, even with this >.<. Bed calls or I'd finish it.
|Entry Info:||Jared's 18.|
It's official. The second member of the Inner Circle is 18. Here's to Jared. *raises his mug* Cheers Mate!
2 idiots :: be an idiot
...and here's to Kevin who bought us all dinner. A big hug to you man, we owe you man. <3
I NEED TO GET OUT OF MY HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSE!!!!
5 idiots :: be an idiot
Saw the Fantastic Fourwith Kirk, David, and Nick last night, that was cool, but I'd like to do something that's actually something. Jared's post really reminded me that I haven't done much this summer at all.
More updates when I'm not totally bored of working on stuff around here.
|Entry Info:||Ryuyi Stage 2|
Ok, so I'm lazier than I thought (So this isn't just an update on the last post).... Really though, all I've managed to do is put flat colors on there and it's already at nearly 100 layers. That's about five to seven times as many as I have for a panel of the comic. I suppose I really need a new way of working on this stuff. Here it is though; I changed the opacity of each layer to 50% so that you can see what I'm talking about though.
be an idiot